Stories, She Wrote

In this article, I’m rounding out the chapters regarding Taming the Inner Critic, by sharing my personal experiences with my very own inner critic.

Point blank, I have an abusive inner critic. It became overbearing during my struggle with Anorexia Nervosa.

I will share more about my mental health journey in future chapters, but for today, I wanted to take a more practical approach and share a few ways I work to tame my inner critic.

Though not as abusive now, it has continued to show up in my identity as a clinician, a partner, a parent, and a even now, as a new newsletter writer. It’s here as you are reading this and as I am writing the next week’s newsletter chapter. Do you hear it whispering?

I can imagine that most everyone can relate because I am convinced that having an inner critic is a nearly universal experience.

Can YOU relate?

Below, I share a few different ways I think about my inner critic. I hope it helps you on your journey to tame that wild creature that exists 🙂 

The Co-worker

The first job out of graduation from a medical program is equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. Armed with knowledge, yet increasingly aware of the impending humbling by way of non textbook reality that is actual medicine.

Medicine is an incredibly daunting profession and is best performed in the support and community of caring and nurturing people, including yourself to your self.

During my first years as a clinician, I had a very close co-worker. So close that we were almost like family, like we were a part of each other.

The coworker talked to me every day without fail, usually from the moment I got up.

They would tell me good morning, then immediately dive in to their agenda for the day:

You’re not smart enough to succeed.

You’ll never learn enough to be the clinician you want to be.

Remember yesterday and that screw up you made on that prescription? You are the screw up.

That patient that said you looked like you are in high school? It’s true. Your young appearance undermines you every day.

Why did you fumble over your words. Don’t you know how to speak?

Everyone else knows what they are doing except you.

You are the worst clinician in this room.

You’re just a PA. You have no real value compared to your physician counterparts.

Remember when that patient refused to see you because you are the PA? You’re useless.

You’ll never make anything with your life.

You will never become anything.

You’ll never make a difference.

You aren’t trying hard enough.

You aren’t doing enough.

You aren’t enough.

😳 🤔 😯

Ok, so you must be thinking — who IS this co-worker because they sound abusive and why would you put up with that?

Do you want to know who my coworker was?

Ok, I’ll tell you.

It was…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

ME.

Yes.

Me.

The inner critic. That wild creature that exists. The constant hisssss in my inner mind that tries to undermine me every. single. day.

Sometimes the worst critic is in the one that lives within.

If I would never talk to someone else this way, why would I talk to myself this way?

I knew that in order to survive the world of medicine, I needed to meet myself compassionately and understand the inner workings of my inner critic.

I refer to my inner critic as my inner co-worker, or Chief Inner Critic (CIC) because it is with, every day, lurking in the background. And given that I am the CEO of myself, I have empowered myself to:

Fire my Chief Inner Critic and hire my Chief Inner Coach.

Although they certainly can be, a coach is much more than cheerleader. For me, the way I think about my inner coach is not through the lens of toxic positivity, rather through the lens of remaining objective in the face of challenging emotions. A coach speaks words of encouragement over us, and at times, meets us with a firm, but gentle challenge about how we are showing up for ourselves.

Below, I outline 3 ways my Chief Inner Coach operates.

The first way my Chief Inner Coach operates is through visualization.

When harsh thoughts creep in, I picture something to redirect the hisss of the critic and transform it into a coach.

This has been one of the best ways to abort the critical thoughts.

I acknowledge that not all emotions or thoughts need or should be redirected. There are definite periods where we need to sit and observe emotions and understand how they are showing up and why. I’ve lived with my inner critic long enough to know when it is going to take me down to the depths of despair if I don’t stop it and redirect it.

Comparison can be a gateway drug to my inner critic, so when I find myself comparing, I picture a sticky web with neon word Comparison to remind me not to get stuck in the trap.

Meeting myself with compassion helps soothe the critical voice. Sometimes, this is a gentle word to myself with a visual picture of a hug, a heart, or a bright sun to remind me of warmth. Or like the picture below, a heart plugged into my mind to remind myself of self compassion.

I visualize encouragement through the words: I AM with a blank line. And then I speak over myself: I am worthy. I am enough. I am significant. I matter.

And sometimes, I add humor to it and laugh a little.

I’m a 90’s kid, so one way I add humor is by repeating catchy phrases I used to giggle at with my friends, like “talk to the hand”, complete with an eye roll and a hand in the face of the critic.

The second way my Chief Inner Coach operates is to reframe my personal definition of confidence.

My inner critic really shows up in my self confidence.

I can’t say that there have been many times when I shown up in the world as a self assured, confident person.

Ironically, people have told me that I "seem confident", even to the point of coming across as intimidating.

I find that funny.

🥴

I would not consider myself intimidating.

Then I realized — perhaps I come off intimidating because the way I have learned to show up in the world an ounce more confident is to first become competent.

I do this by:

• preparing

• learning

• studying

• practicing

It’s what made me a good student. It’s what made me a good clinician. A physician mentor once told me that he’d never seen someone prepare as much as me.

It’s not because I’m special or unique, it’s because I needed to so I could feel confident.

It’s how I’ve learned to show up. I used to believe the lie that this was part of my perfectionistic tendencies, but the more I’ve come to understand my critic, it’s actually not — it’s how I have learned to show up and successfully navigate the world.

It took me a long time to realize how much preparation and competence has been a form of confidence for me.

And, so, if this is true, why shouldn’t I show up in the world confidently as me?

After all, the most prepared person in being myself is, well…me.

And the closer I become competent in being my truest self, the more confident I become.

So, when people find me intimidating — I hope what they might see now is…

✨ True confidence ✨

Built on the back of preparing, learning, studying, and practicing becoming myself.

And instead of finding it intimidating (which can be diminishing), perhaps, instead, finding it…inspiring.

For me, true confidence comes from becoming competent in being myself — something I’m striving to get closer to every day.

The third way my Chief Inner Coach operates is to normalize experiences, especially around that of Imposter syndrome.

Feeling like an imposter is a nearly universal experience. But, I struggle with the word “syndrome” because it implies it’s abnormal.

If most people struggle with it, then it is really abnormal or is it a variant of normal?

In medicine, we use the term within normal limits when describing lab values or findings that fall within the normal value range and don’t typically require follow up.

Is imposter syndrome within the normal limits of the human experience? Are the outliers the ones that don’t experience it vs the ones that do?

I think it’s valid to question ourselves and our abilities. How else do we figure out where our strengths lie or where we need to grow?

Imposter syndrome isn’t a pathology. It’s within the normal limits of the human experience.

I’ve de-pathologized Imposter syndrome for myself by normalizing the experience of questioning myself. Doubt comes from a place of humility, not pride. If we don’t question, we don’t learn.

I also think this has helped me return to one of the best gifts I have, my intuition. Leaning into the questioning has allowed me to block out some of the noise and listen to my own inner voice.

Where I’ve found the pathology lies is when I get stuck in the questioning.

I ask the questions, but I live my way into the answers.

The bottom line is that my co-worker tries to reapply for the same Chief Inner Critic job everyday, even multiple times a day.

Every day, multiple times a day, I have to hit the reject button.

Every day, multiple times a day, I have to hire back the Chief Inner Coach.

Inner critics don’t count.

Inner coworkers don’t count.

Fire them.

They aren’t a culture fit. They aren’t a skill fit. They are an at will employee.

And don’t hire them back.

Thanks for reading! Did this resonate? Give it a share